Let's Play a Game: Predator and Prey
Ever played this game? Predator and Prey. It’s a hunting game, a game of power.
Here’s how it works:
Round One: Selection
Player one, The Predator, walks into a room full of people.
Scanning the environment, picking up on subtle cues—a look, body movement, a voice that sounds kind, a hand that instinctively covers the mouth when they laugh.
They spot their prey quickly.
Player two, The Prey: they notice something different and exciting. They are genuinely impressed. They are surprised by the charm and interest, shocked at the chivalry, their heart already beating slightly too fast from his attention.
The game can last a night or it can last decades.
The rules are simple:
The predator knows there’s a game. The prey does not.
The hunter makes the first move, knowing they need to get closer. But they are keenly aware that the pace has to be just right or the prey will run.
So their strategy is to observe, listen, and learn.
Task one for the predator is to get to know their opponent:
What makes this person light up?
What makes them uncomfortable?
Do they laugh when they're nervous?
Do they worry about disappointing people?
Do they apologize unnecessarily?
Do they need to be needed?
Are they lonely?
Are they the kind of person who will give someone the benefit of the doubt long after that benefit has been exhausted?
There’s a lot they need to find out in order to win, but at this stage in the game, the predator can be patient.
They are masters at mirroring all the empathy, compassion, kindness, and genuine connection the prey offers. So the mirroring is nearly seamless. In fact, it is so seamless that what is happening between them feels less like imitation and more like connection.
Like the stars are aligning.
Let’s just say they have an amazing poker face.
The Prey thinks: Holy shit. Someone just like me.
Sitting at the game table, there is an energy. It’s palpable and intense. Almost electric.
The prey mistakes that intensity for connection. They don't know yet that the intensity is part of the game.
There is a lot at stake for both of them, but only one of them knows that.
The prey thinks they have been chosen.
The predator has made a selection.
Next move, Round Two: Know Your Opponent
Now the cards are dealt and each player comes to the table with their hand.
Some cards hold wounds and fears while others hold dreams and desires.
The prey doesn't know they should be protecting their hand.
But why would they?
They don't even know they're playing a game.
So they let a few cards fall face up on the table and the predator pays very close attention.
He is learning how to play his hand.
Long conversations at the table lead to childhood stories, fears, insecurities, family wounds, and past relationships. The trust builds and the predator uncovers more.
What makes them feel loved?
What will they tolerate?
What have they always wished someone would understand about them?
Soon enough, the prey shows the rest of their hand, willingly sharing.
This gives the predator an advantage the prey will eventually regret.
The fallen cards tell a story:
I've always been afraid people will leave me.
Card down.
Nobody has ever really listened to me.
Another card.
I've never felt like I was enough.
Another.
I want a relationship that is deep and rooted in love.
Yet another.
I always try to see the good in people.
Another.
The prey doesn’t yet understand how valuable that information might become for the predator.
Round Two ends.
The predator leaves this round with a map.
The prey leaves believing they may have found “the one.”
Moving on, Round Three: The Odds are Looking Up
It’s time to play the cards.
The predator now has a cheat sheet of sorts to build the perfect relationship that provides them with exactly what they need.
Here’s how they play it:
Your love language is words of affirmation? The predator knows all the right words and uses them often.
You have abandonment issues? The predator makes you believe they will never leave you.
Nobody ever really listened to you? They could listen to you all day.
You dreamed about a certain future? Strangely enough, they want exactly the same thing.
You've never felt good enough? You are perfect to them.
Card after card, there’s a perfect match and this part of the game proves to be fun.
So the game leaves the table and continues into their day-to-day lives.
But the predator has cards of their own.
Their hand is stacked with the need to feel important, to be admired, to feel wanted, desired, and valued. And the prey now has a deep desire to share all their empathy, attention, admiration, reassurance, and devotion.
Their hands fit together almost perfectly and that’s what makes this game so dangerous.
The prey is getting the experience of feeling loved.
The predator is getting the experience of being loved by the prey.
For now, everybody's happy.
Intimacy. Attention. Affection. Promises. Plans.
The game is weaving their lives together.
The prey thinks they're exchanging love.
The predator has someone feeding their sense of worth.
Best. Round. Ever.
Attachment: complete.
But attachment changes the rules.
Merrily we go...
Next round: All Fun and Games? Wrong, try again.
This can be a dangerous game and, in this round, things get messy.
In fact, this is a win-or-lose game, so the stakes have increased substantially now.
Turns out pretending to be someone you're not is fucking exhausting. In this game of disguise, sometimes the predator lets his poker face slip and the game takes a wild turn.
Slowly, the compliments are a little more backhanded.
Subtle suggestions on how the prey can improve begin to emerge.
Affection slowly starts to disappear.
Comparisons start leaving the prey feeling a little insecure.
Conversations begin to feel confusing.
Boundaries are pushed.
And the prey feels it.
The predator is testing the waters to see what their response will be.
Will they speak up or call them out?
Do they question themselves or do they question the predator?
Will they work harder to keep the connection?
Do they stay or do they walk away?
What move will the prey make? And how will the predator pivot?
That playbook the predator put together from all those deep conversations comes in really handy now.
Just as the prey pulls away, the predator has new cards to play.
Heartfelt apologies and that intoxicating affection and attention return.
It was just a silly misunderstanding and relief floods in.
The prey doesn't understand yet that something important has changed.
That relief has incredible power over the prey.
They are no longer simply enjoying the predator's affection. They are confused.
It works like this:
They are hurt by the predator.
The predator provides the relief through what looks like remorse.
Then it happens again. The prey is hurt, confused but reconnection comes back around.
Then, withdrawal, then reassurance.
Round after round. There is a sick cycle.
The prey doesn't understand yet that the person causing the pain has also become the person providing the relief.
It is part of the game, but it's also a crazy mind fuck.
Where is the guy that walked into that room and sat at that table with me?
That “perfect guy for me” guy.
Eventually, they come to the end of the deck and there are no more cards for the predator to play, and the prey realizes the hand they’ve been dealt and the game that got played without them even knowing.
What a shitty game.
At this stage in the game, the prey realizes winning was never an option.
But leaving is.
Game over? The prey thinks so but that assumption would be wrong.
The predator can't stand to lose.
Just as one game ends, another begins.
Welcome to Combat.
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